Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
