I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
