I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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