Who did Billy Mays play for?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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