Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
