he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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