K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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