watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
