It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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