is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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