So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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