sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
