i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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