today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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