I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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