I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
