Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
