Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
