Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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