Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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