Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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