My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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