You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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