I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
