1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
