What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
