if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
