Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I skipped work to stalk him.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
