he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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