just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
