Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
