A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
