I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
