my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
