Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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