She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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