Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
