what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
