the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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