just survived the first fart of the relationship.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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