Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
