i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
