Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
