My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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