Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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