I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
