Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Randomize
