I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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