I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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