Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
