she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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