So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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