You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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