shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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